A short synopsis written from my heart to all those who suffer the grave fate of obesity, from my current "work in progress" aptly titled:
"OBESE RELEASE -
The Agony and The Ecstasy ... A Celebration!"
This web-page is a dedication to the one I unconditionally love
A N T H O N Y
My “son-shine” … An Adonis … A perfect creation of mankind,
and without whom I may not have had motivation enough to awaken each day.
The perplexed psyche of an obese individual, so complex, so profoundly complex. Where did it all begin? I often compare its humble beginnings to “the story of the chicken and the egg”. Which came first? Is it hereditary? Is it the gene pool with which I was blessed? Was it the absence of nurturing and love during my formative years? Was it being born feeling different in a world of conformity, always feeling apart from instead of “a part of”? Was it the result of my faulty perceptions? A coat of armour to keep the world at bay, perhaps? Was it … The continuous dialogue in the head, the questions just never ended.
Ask any morbidly obese individual their greatest wish and desire. To live in a “normal” body, whatever is meant by normal. I undoubtedly sold my birthright for food, and my soul in pursuit of a slender body.
Having suffered the destiny of being morbidly obese from a very young and tender age, today I truly believe with every fibre of my being that “the mind” is where it all began. Notwithstanding that I do believe that I was born with a genetic and physical predisposition to carrying extra weight, it is the way in which I dealt with and processed this fate that twisted, warped and mangled my head into creating a lifetime of silent sufferance and hell on earth, self-destruction, self-loathing and self-recrimination.
Having visited game reserves on several occasions during my youth, I was always intrigued by the fact that there are no “obese” animals in the wild. Animals who kill their prey for survival, eat their fill and leave the remains for other predators. Why then did I experience the intense need to overeat as if there was no tomorrow, taking my life into my own hands, and yet losing complete control of it all at the same time. G-d and nature are so flawless, yet I somehow missed the cue. Is obesity a dis-ease, the outward manifestation of deeper problems?
The physical manipulations that I concocted over the years to outwit this outcome were utterly preposterous and yet somehow, somewhere, there was an extremely faint glimmer of hope that I would ultimately overcome the weight war. After each failed attempt, the physical and emotional pain almost too much to bear, the only “comfort” to eat yet again, again and again … A rhythm and cycle which repeated itself over months, years and decades. In my final days of binging, no volume of food was enough or sufficient to fill the gaping hole in my soul. Food was survival. Food was my coping mechanism. Food was my lover, my best friend, and ultimate enemy. Food suitably anaesthetised me and buried the emotional pain I experienced each and every day of the excuse of my existence. The nature of obesity being progressive, more and more food was required to attain the same trip, not dissimilar to smoking, alcohol or drug addiction. “Dieting” repeatedly were recurring attempts to treat the symptom, but certainly not the cause. My zillion attempts to acquire a “twiggy-like figure” ultimately resulted in my growing larger and larger whilst becoming less and less significant with each disappointment to “crack” the obesity puzzle. Tenacity strangely permitted me to continue showing up day after day, month after month, year after year at all costs and despite uneven odds. Having “lost” myself by portraying an ambience of false cheerfulness and even temper in the face of despairing physical pain, emotional adversity of the most extreme degree, mental anguish and torture beyond my own comprehension, I eventually took the greatest leap of faith and disturbed the pattern of “living to eat” by “eating to live” on a one day at a time trial basis.
Now, I am acutely aware that lack of faith and belief in myself were “self-prophesising” obstacles and hurdles over which I would not jump. My oversized and extremely cumbersome body made the leap impossible, but moreover, my sick head could not have contemplated or have been open enough to imagine, and definitely not believe, that I could overcome this “death sentence”. I continually reaffirmed the negativity and impossibility of my situation as opposed to believing, honestly believing in my mind and heart, that change is possible. When I became truly willing to give up my old negative thought patterns and behaviours, they were swiftly replaced with new and equally innovative positive ideals flowing in rapidly to fill the gaps and voids. Today, I embrace my physical well-being, emotional positivity and strengthened faith, with knowledge that the process of changing a lifestyle is far more important than reaching a goal or measuring a performance.
I know it first-hand … To change my body, I’ve had to change my mind. I believed the illusion that a perfect body would make for “The Perfect Life”. Like the fairy-tales I read as a child, I dreamed that I would have the world at my feet if only I had a slender body, that I would meet Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Although my life today doesn’t remotely resemble that of the former morbidly obese Cheryl sitting in the waiting room watching life go by or being a spectator in my own life, it nevertheless remains a far cry from perfection.
Today I have an acceptable body which I nourish three times each day with healthy, wholesome and delicious food. Food abused is a cruel plague and a death trap – Food used for nourishment is a life source and a gift.
I presently maintain a mass which my body dictates, and am experiencing an incredible lightness of being. Having shed a gargantuan amount of weight which literally "weighed me down" all the years of my life, and which I figuratively could not carry in my arms today, subtly reminds, reiterates, and reaffirms, an authentic sense and true meaning of the word “freedom”.
To freedom … To life … Celebration !!!
With humble gratitude.